In my Denver therapy practice, clients share that they don’t have as many close friends anymore. When they were younger, proximity and structure did a lot of the work of maintaining a friendship without much personal effort. Since then, life became more complicated: a move, a new job, a family. Making friends as an adult is hard for almost everyone, but it's harder still when you have ADHD and have trouble initiating plans, remembering to follow up, and showing up on time. Those relationships that seem to come easily to other people — the parents of your kids' friends, the coworkers who invite each other to things outside work — never quite take hold for you. Even when you do make new connections, they can pull energy away from the effort older friendships need.

Friendship is more optional than most relationships. A friend, especially a long-distance one, requires repeated efforts to stay in touch. When you or your friend lets that go, with unanswered texts or plans falling through, the friendship fades without either person deciding to end it. When you haven’t followed through, you might feel too ashamed to reach out. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes.

Therapy includes building systems for remembering to text back and follow through on plans. More importantly, it’s recognizing that the same tendencies to delay work tasks or avoid hard conversations also apply to losing touch or not prioritizing friendships. Understanding the avoidance and finding ways to address it can lead to strengthening friendships and building new ones.

If this sounds like a pattern in your own life, it's worth a conversation.